Falling From You
by Sphynx1
Summary: This got Long
1. Default Chapter

Title: Falling from You  
  
Author: Sphynx  
  
Pairings: past 3x4  
  
Warnings/Notes: Death (well, supposedly), ANGST! serious angst, yaoi (do I even have to say this anymore?). I am a sick, sick person. Why do I keep killing off the boys?  
  
Disclaimers: If I owned the characters or the song, I would be rich. The boys belong to their creators, and the song "Your House" is by Alanis Morisette  
  
  
  
//I went to your house  
  
Walked up the stairs  
  
Opened the door without ringing the bell  
  
Walked down the hall  
  
Into your room where I could smell you//  
  
It was really that simple. He just left, not even saying a word. Not a damned word. But why? Did I do something wrong? Was there something about me that just wasn't good enough for him? And now I am alone and I don't know why. I don't know why.  
  
I cried. People think I am weak because I cry, but they're wrong. If I hadn't cried that day, then I wouldn't be able to handle the pent up emotion that was raging inside of me. The pain that he caused.  
  
//And I shouldn't be here  
  
Without permission  
  
Shouldn't be here...//  
  
I wanted to find him. Tell him I was sorry. Ask him why he left. It wasn't hard. Not when it could have been impossible. He was living in New York, in a small dingy apartment.  
  
Everything there screamed of him. The discarded pile of clothes waiting to be washed. The clean dishes in the dish rack, left to dry when he went to work. Yes, I knew that he had gone to work. I had in fact planned it so that he would find me.  
  
//Would you forgive me love if I danced in your shower  
  
Would you forgive me love if I laid in your bed  
  
Would you forgive me love if I stay all afternoon?//  
  
It was horrible. Seeing his stuff, the stuff that had been in my house just a few months ago. And seeing the stuff that he had gotten since he left. It just showed that life went on.  
  
Cold, so cold, without him. I shivered as I walked around, looking in front room. Sitting on the couch I looked around, seeing the bare walls and sparse furniture. Only the bedroom had been truly lived in, but the sitting room screamed his name just as loudly. The sparseness his outer mask to the world.  
  
// I took off my clothes  
  
put on your robe  
  
went through your drawers  
  
and I found your cologne//  
  
I feel so terrible now, sitting in his bedroom, on his bed, crying. In my head the day he left plays over and over again, a never-ending track of memory. It's been hours since I got here. I've wandered and paced back and forth. Back and forth.  
  
//went down to the den  
  
found your cd's  
  
and I played your Joni//  
  
Time and time again I paced. Until I finally stopped in the bedroom, collapsing on his bed. And so here I am crying, crying. I thought that I had my emotions under control, that I would be able to come here and be at peace finally. But no. I won't let myself be at peace,  
  
I realize now as I sit here that I shouldn't have come, I was just asking for emotional torture when I picked the lock on the door. Why? Why did he leave me?  
  
//and I shouldn't stay long  
  
you might be home soon  
  
shouldn't stay long//  
  
I can't leave. I'm caught now. Cuaght in the emotions playing through me like fire. The sound of his voice is in my ears, and his smell is everywhere. Everywhere. I've gone through the whole apartment now, dozens of times. Help me Allah, I don't know how to deal with being confronted with him everywhere.  
  
//Would you forgive me love if I danced in your shower  
  
Would you forgive me love if I laid in your bed  
  
Would you forgive me love if I stay all afternoon?//  
  
There it is, in his bathroom, the shampoo that I love. The smell so clean and sweet, so utterly simple. I sniff it and my memory pulls around me again, showing me times when we had just gotten out of the shower, clean after a day outdoors. Times when I came home from work and there you were freshly showered waiting for me. My love, how I miss him now more than ever, his familiar scents surrounding me.  
  
//I burned your incense  
  
I ran a bath//  
  
I'm not content just wandering around picking up the things he leaves out, carressing them, thinking of him using them everyday. I rifle through his desk, searching for some sign he misses me as I miss him. But why would he? He was the one who left. His personal things speak volumes about his life. About how he feels and lives now. And then it falls out. The note with my best friend's writing on it. And I know that there is nothing left in life for me, not without him.  
  
//I noticed a letter that sat on your desk  
  
It said:  
  
"Hello, love.  
  
I love you so, love.  
  
Meet me at midnight."  
  
And no, it wasn't my writing  
  
I'd better go soon  
  
It wasn't my writing//  
  
Allah preserve me, I don't know what to do. He left me for one I trusted. And I don't know whether they are together. I am lost, so lost. I can only think of the pain within my heart as I pick up the knife that you left so carelessly in the dishrack. The knife that brings the ruby drops from under my skin. Trowa, why?  
  
//So forgive me love If I cry in your shower  
  
So forgive me love for the salt in your bed  
  
So forgive me love If I cry all afternoon//  
  
Wait! Is that his voice I hear calling my name? Oh, Allah! It is him, my sweet Trowa has caught me in his house like a common thief. But I'm falling, falling towards light and brightness. A place I don't deserve.  
  
"QUATRE! NO!"  
  
The last thing I hear before everything goes dark, my beloved's arms surrounding me desperately. 


	2. No Escape

Title: No Escape Author: Sphynx Pairings: Gahh. Warnings: Angst, yaoi, the usual stuff Notes: Sequel! To "Falling From You", I thought it a bit mean to leave ya'll like that when I didn't actually kill Quat.  
  
The beeping. The rhythmic sound of machines keeping me alive. That is what I woke up to. I was supposed to be dead. But Trowa came just in time, they tell me. I was hoping that I had lost too much blood. But there was the beeping.  
  
Day and night the beeping continued. It told me that I am alive. That and the bustle of doctors and nurses coming in and out of my private room. It was really routine at first, before my friends found out that I was here. The doctor would come in and check every few hours and then the nurses every half hour or so. A comforting cycle that left me little time to think. But then my friends started coming. At first they would come, say little and then leave awkwardly. All except Wufei. He would come in, ask me why, and then leave. Even Duo came. He twisted his hands and chattered away about nothing.  
  
It wasn't until I woke up a few days after I found out I was still alive to find Trowa sitting in the visitors chair by my bedside that I became truly bitter about living. It was seeing him there for the first time that killed something inside me. How dare he come and see me. But he did. And he gave me an envelope and left, never saying a word.  
  
The envelope sat by my bed until Wufei came again. He made me read it. He knew what it would contain; he was the one to force Trowa to come.  
  
Quatre, I guess that you need to know why I left. You were clutching a note in your hand, but it wasn't something meant for your eyes. Nor mine. Duo gave me that not with the simple instructions to get it to someone else. He couldn't find them, so he asked me to. I didn't leave you for someone else. I left because you are too perfect for me. I have no name, and no past. You have a name, a past, and everything you could ever want. I thought that you didn't need me. Forgive me? Trowa  
  
I'm glad Wufei did make me read. Now I can face Trowa again, now that the piece of me that was killed is alive again. There is no escape from the love I still hold for him, and now I can live with his leaving me. 


	3. If the Bird Returns

Title: If the Bird Returns Author: Sphynx Notes: I really didn't mean for this to get so long. Hoohumm.Well, this comes after "No Escape". Disclaimers: For the last time.The boys aren't real and they aren't mine. The song "It Doesn't Matter" (©Harley Allen/Coburn Music, Inc., BMI) is not mine. I don't have that much creative genius. Don't sue me.I have nothing (not even the computer I write this on).  
  
He hasn't been back in a couple of days. Not since he gave me the note. But it doesn't matter if he never comes back. Nothing will change the fact that I love him, and I forgive him. If he chooses to keep running from me, even though I am far from perfect, then I will still love him. But it's not easy. I sit here and cry still, crying for the loss, for the bitterness I felt, for the things that make me far less than perfect and unworthy of anyone's love. It used to be that he would tell me that he wasn't worthy, not it is I that am not worthy. Will he come back?  
  
It doesn't matter what I want It doesn't matter what I need It doesn't matter if I cry Don't matter if I bleed You've been on a road Don't know where it goes or where it leads  
  
Where is he now I wonder? Does he still feel unworthy of me? I wish he would come back. I want to apologize. For being weak. I was so utterly weak without him. He had always been my strength. Will he come back after finding out how weak I am, that without him, I am nothing? The doctors say that if I continue to dwell on him I will never get better. They send a psychiatrist every day now that they think I am strong enough to confront my problems. But they don't know that it is not the same. I know why he left now, it is grief I am feeling, not a loss of direction.  
  
It doesn't matter what I want It doesn't matter what I need If you've made up your mind to go I won't beg you to stay You've been in a cage Throw you to the wind you fly away  
  
The psychiatrist has finally suggested something worth trying. He seems to have figured out what is depressing me. He told me that if I truly love Trowa that I should let him go. If he comes back to me, then he will never leave again like he did before. So I am letting go. I will always love him, but for my own happiness I have to let go.  
  
It doesn't matter what I want It doesn't matter what I need It doesn't matter if I cry Doesn't matter if I bleed Feel the sting of tears Falling on this face you've loved for years  
  
(One year later)  
  
It's been a year now since the doctor told me I had to let go. I still cry sometimes. But I truly only wish the best for Trowa. He's never been back, but that hasn't killed the hope that he will be someday. The doctors have finally found me fit to go without weekly counseling. We are having a party later tonight. Everyone I love will be there, except Trowa.  
  
(Later that night)  
  
There was a knock on the door a little after the party started. Someone went to answer it, and when they didn't come back I went after them. My bird had flown back. Trowa was standing in the door looking steadily at an irate Duo who didn't seem to want to let him in. Duo tried to stand guard, but he wasn't expecting an attack from the rear as I ran to embrace my world-weary love. I just stood there crying in his arms and he held me tight.  
  
"I never want to let you go," he whispered softly. 


End file.
